Sabotage!
by Chaosengine
Summary: Three hard boiled cops fightin' crime in Middleton. Based on the video by the Beastie Boys. A One Shot.


_The following story is loosely based on the video of the same name by the Beastie Boys. I do not own any of the characters mentioned in the writing. The story is done for entertainment purposes only. Altered lyrics written by Chaosengine._

* * *

An epic crime spree had taken the town of Middleton by storm. In response to the crisis, the mayor's office had given the local police department permission to form a three-man strike team whose purpose was to eliminate the rampant lawlessness. With full jurisdiction and special privileges, Department Six was officially christened and fully active. This is their story…

Chaosengine

Proudly Presents…

"_Calling all cars, robbery in progress at Fourth and Templeton. Suspects are armed and considered dangerous, approach with caution."_

The engine of a cherry red Ford Mustang Cobra II that sported white speed lines suddenly roared to life. The burly man behind the wheel adjusted his shades before turning to his passengers.

"Let's DO THIS!"

The muscle car tore across two lanes of traffic, sending motorists screaming in all directions before turning down an alley. Knocking a homeless man into a nearby dumpster, the maniac sideswiped a hotdog cart, hurling it through the air, where it landed right in the cab of an expensive convertible.

_Ooooooooooohhhhhhh…_

_I can't stand it!_

_How they plan it!_

_All cop shows are boring and lame!_

_Every single one is exactly the same!_

Three men wearing ski masks dashed out the rear entrance of the Dewey Cheatum Federal Credit Union. Clutching sacks of stolen cash, the scumbag trio separated and made good their escape.

_We need a show with lots of violence and guns!_

_No story or plot to ruin the fun!_

_Rub your eyes and check, its no mirage!_

_Holy Crap, it's…_

**Sabotage!!**

The Mustang plowed through a fence and made a sharp turn, as a blond guy with freckles wearing tight jeans and a leather jacket with oversize trim dove out of the passengers' side door.

**Ron Stoppable **

Stars as…

Punchy Kickbutt!

Tackling the closest person, the cop started wailing on him while emitting odd, whining sounds.

"Why are you beating ME!?" The jogger squealed helplessly, as he tried to fend off the unwarranted butt-kicking by uselessly flailing his arms.

"You're not the bank robber guy?" Officer Kickbutt peered over top of his huge, retro sunglasses with obvious confusion.

"NO!!" The bludgeoned jogger curled into a ball and started crying.

Punchy leapt to his feet and tackled yet another guy standing nearby, repeating the beating on a different dude.

After a string of unsuccessful collars, at least eight grown men were lying on the ground wailing at the end of Punchy's rampage, leaving the cop to stand there scratching his head in dismay.

"C'mon, ONE of you has gotta be the BAD GUY!"

"You mean the guy with the mask and gun who ran off TEN MINUTES ago!" A dog walker with two black eyes snorted at Kickbutt.

"Oops, my bad." Punchy turned to leave; only to have his pants fall down, revealing a pair of Eric Estrada boxer shorts. "Aw, MAN!"

_C'mon now, sucker, you can't say nuthin'!_

_Leave a bad review with the push of a button!_

_You tell me I suck, but that's just a dodge!_

_Get my stories pulled, and then it's…_

**Sabotage!!**

One of the crooks dashed into a nearby store as the Mustang came screeching to a halt long enough for a gun-toting cop with brown hair and blond highlights to dash after him in hot pursuit.

**Josh Mankey**

Stars as…

Bullets McGee!

With a black vest, red high-collared shirt and leather pants, Bullets burst through the front doors of a grocery store, dropped to a single knee stance and opened fire with his AK-47. With merchandise being blown off the shelves, employees were sent screaming for the exits, leaving only the manager to deal with the mess.

"What the HELL are you doing?!" The bald supervisor bellowed at the officer.

"Where's the robber?" Bullets stopped shooting long enough to ask the obvious.

"Next DOOR!!" Now beat red, the manager was a step away from cardiac arrest. "Are you BLIND?!"

"Sweet, thanks!" McGee ran out the front and took a left.

The sound of more gunfire could be heard along with additional screaming. The grocery manager stuck his head out the front doors.

"Other side!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "Other SIDE, MORON!"

"I'm on it, I'm on it!" McGee came rushing past, still clutching his machine gun.

The gunfire and screaming recommenced as the grocery man exhaled loudly and dropped to a sitting position.

"This settles it…" The man dabbed at his brow with a handkerchief. "I'm movin' back to Denver."

Just then, the 'Please Come Again' sign broke loose from overhead and landed on top of the grocer, knocking him cold.

_Try to relax there, brother, you look too tense._

_This story's confusing and don't make sense._

_Get drunk and burn down your cousin's garage…_

_Face the facts, Jack, that's…_

**Sabotage!!**

The last hoodlum finished prying open the emergency exit at the back of a movie theatre. As he slipped inside, he turned to wave goodbye to his pursuers.

"So long, suckers!" His look of triumph quickly turned to terror. "Holy CRAP!"

The robber disappeared inside as the Ford Cobra slammed headlong into the door. Plowing through it like a battering ram, the driver tore through the lobby, barely avoiding terrified movie-goers as the criminal ran for his dear life.

The parade of destruction found itself in the premier showing of the film, _"Sense and Sensitivities". _The frantic suspect dashed down the aisle, as the Mustang gave chase, destroying every theatre seat in its path. Popcorn, hot dogs, and overpriced drinks were sent flying through the air as the driver of the car refused to even slow down long enough to avoid hitting everything.

With no where left to go, the thief turned and put his hands into the air, only to get rolled onto the hood of the car. The Cobra tore right through the screen and out the back wall, covering its new passenger with masonry dust and broken debris.

"I'm gonna die…" The traumatized hood began chanting. "I'm gonna DIE!!"

"Not on MY watch!" The driver bellowed as he ripped through the front gates of the Middleton Zoo.

Slamming on his brakes, the crazed cop sent his collar head first into the baboon cage, where the enraged primates began pelting him with rocks and offal.

Emerging from his mangled ride, the huge man adjusted his shades and spit the tooth pick out of his mouth. A thick mustache rested on his lip, complimenting the cheap, lime green, car-dealer-ish suit he wore.

**Steve Barkin**

IS

"The Boss"

"You're goin' DOWNTOWN, scumbag!" The Boss roared as he grabbed the hood by the neck.

"Take… me to… hospital…" The crook was a mangled mess, covered in filth and bruises.

"This isn't a cab service, DIRTBALL!" The behemoth stuffed him head first into the trunk.

_This story's called… __**Sabotage!**_

_I stole the idea from… __**Sabotage!**_

_It barely resembles… __**Sabotage!**_

_I'm lucky I can spell… _

**Sabotage!!**

The Ford tore at breakneck speed across town, forcing a funeral procession off the road and scattering Cub Scout Troop Twelve. The Boss wrenched the parking brake, sending the car into a Tokyo Drift that carried it to a complete stop across two handicapped spaces in the Bueno Nacho parking lot.

"Oh YEAH, now that's what I call bein' a COP!" Boss slammed his hands down on the hood, causing the muffler to fall off.

"I need more ammo…" McGee kicked the doors of the fast food joint wide open.

Punchy dashed up to the counter, leaned over as far as he could and looked the clerk right in the eye.

"Give us one… of EVERYTHING!"

The Boss started patting down customers. "We get a POLICEMAN'S DISCOUNT!"

Peering cautiously out of the trunk, the felon slowly attempted an escape. All three cops leapt back into the vehicle, causing the trunk lid to slam down onto the poor guy's back, knocking the wind out of him. Without even bothering to check on the guy, they roared out of the lot with the unconscious jerk flailing around half hanging out the back.

_I know you can't stand it, that's how I planned it!_

_Another non-canon fic to make you sick!_

_I'm using proper punctuation as camouflage!_

_Try not to face palm, it's…_

**Sabotage!!**

"Hey, Boss, can we stop for ice cream?" Punchy stuck his face right next to the bigger guy's head. "I need sprinkles for my naco!"

"Can it, PEE-WEE!" Boss bellowed back.

Slamming the accelerator, the brute took the crest of an upcoming hill at full speed, rocketing the car like a cow from a catapult. It knocked down several power lines before landing with a shower of sparks at the bottom. As it turned the corner, you could practically FEEL the criminal element of the city breathing a sigh of relief.

Department Six, in full effect…

Gawd help us all.

* * *

Everything at the Middleton Police Department seemed fine and dandy. The phones were quiet, the protesters had gone home and the prisoners were tasered and sleeping soundly. Too bad it wasn't gonna last.

The cop manning the front desk was thrown off of his chair as the front entrance flew open and a loud, booming voice broke the peace and silence.

"Alright, ya flat-footed failures…" The Boss strutted into the building carrying an unconscious perp over his shoulder. "… REAL officers comin' through!"

Bullets trotted in behind the giant, a wheel barrow loaded with hollow-point rounds in tow. "Did the NRA leave any messages for me?"

"I got a pizza on the way, so gimme a shout when it shows up." Punchy followed along, stuffing his face with tortilla chips.

A small, pink blur darted out of his pocket and landed on the front desk. The hairless critter grabbed the attending officer and glared at him menacingly.

Featuring **Rufus**

As

Cocheese!

"Yeah!" The Molerat released his grip, letting the portly doorman fall to the ground.

An attractive brunette decked out in a dress shirt, tie, khakis and an eye patch glided up to the noisy morons and addressed them cordially.

"Gentlemen…" Chief Betty Director cleared her throat and motioned behind her. "You have an important visitor."

A curvaceous redhead sporting a light-blue, woman's business suit appeared from behind the chief. She carefully adjusted her glasses and crossed her arms.

"This is Miss Kim Possible." Betty extended her hand politely.

"Now that's a WOMAN!" The Boss retorted chauvinistically.

"Is she from the NRA?" Bullets began rummaging through his pockets in search of his membership card.

"Time for some Punch-shine." Kickbutt slicked back his hair and tugged on his collar, a smug look plastered on his mug.

"Miss Possible is from the D.A.'s office." Director added, in a dead pan tone.

"Crap, she's a SUIT!"

"Lawyers hate guns!"

Quick, how's my hair?"

"I'm HERE, because of the disturbingly high number of complaints we've received regarding Department Six!" Possible pushed her way past the Chief and shoved a phone book sized file into the faces of the three men.

"Look, sweetheart, crooks file complaints all the time." Boss brushed the files away with disdain. "It's sour grapes 'cause we busted 'em. It's nuthin' new."

"Well, SWEETHEART, these complaints are all from local citizens!" Kim growled at the enormous lug, fangs and all. "They include a judge, a congressman AND half of the Denver Broncos!"

"Horses can file complaints?!" Punchy responded stupidly.

"I intend to interview each one of you until I find out what's going on in this department!" The redhead placed her finger on the freckled cop's nose. "You first!"

"Booyah!" The idiot cheered, until he looked at his partners who were both shaking their heads in negative synchronicity. "Or not…"

* * *

Silence filled the interrogation room as Miss Possible stared across the table at the blond officer. Her disapproving frown and aggressive body language drove the seriousness of the situation home.

The first witness (victim) rubbed the back of his neck and fidgeted like a child in the principal's office. With such an obvious comparison between the two settings, his attitude was understandable.

"Sooo…" The cop tried to break the ice. "You really like all that legal stuff?"

"You mean to tell me your real name is Punchy Kickbutt?" The woman stared at the report with disbelief.

"Yep, that's me!" The Punch-ster rubbed his fingernails against his jacket and glanced at them in a smarmy manner.

"It says here you suffer from a rare psychological condition called "Paparazzo Syndrome". She scanned further down the page, only to be jolted by what she found. "It causes you to PUNCH people during moments of extreme stress? I've never heard of ANYTHING like that!"

"Hey, Mickey Rourke AND Sean Penn BOTH have it!" Officer Kickbutt crossed his arms indignantly.

"There are over a HUNDRED reported cases of aggravated assault against you!" Possible only became more agitated the further she read. "You even beat up your own UNCLE!"

"Uncle TWICE removed!" Punchy spouted matter-of-factly.

"Do you EVER bother to ask them any questions first, or do you just beat them to save time?" Kim slammed both of her hands on the desk and leaned towards the man.

"You can't ask criminals if they're guilty or not, they always say no." Punch rolled his eyes and made the 'crazy' motion next to his head.

"Is there anything ELSE I should see?" The woman hissed from between clenched teeth.

Cocheese, sleeping soundly in Punch's pocket, began convulsing and making weird gibbering noises, causing the Punch-ster's pants to quake and twitch. All of which were painfully obvious to the woman in the room.

Possible glanced downward only for a second. Her frown doubled in size as her left eyebrow rose to the top of her forehead.

"It's not what you think…" Punchy was sweating bullets at this point.

"Get… out…" Kim motioned to the door, suppressing her rage.

"Let me just show you…" The man began fiddling with his crotch.

"GET OUT!!"

The door to the interrogation room flew open as Punchy bounded through it, a chair sailing over his head. The two other officers waiting nearby could only glance at each other with concern.

"NEXT!"

The venom-laced command trailed out of the room, signaling the next batter was on deck.

* * *

"Bullets McGee?!" The sexy attorney double checked her fax sheet. "I mean… really, do all you guys have comic book names?"

"I don't follow…" McGee glanced casually at the woman, as he proceeded to aim a pencil like a sniper rifle.

"Nevermind…" Kim turned her attention to his personnel record. "Why do you have all of these 'Misuse of Firearms' reports? Officer, are you currently armed?"

"Uh…" The pencil fell out of his hands. "Maybe…"

Possible pulled a metal detector out of her bag and ran it over the fellow, wincing as it squealed like a Howler Monkey.

McGee opened his jacket to reveal two Glocks, a pair of revolvers and a Desert Eagle stuffed down his pants.

"Why did you bring all of THOSE in HERE?!" The redhead fell back into her chair, a look of shock on her face.

"Well…" Bullets drummed his fingers nervously on the desk. "I don't really know you that well…"

"You thought I might try to KILL YOU?!" Kim leapt from her seat with such force that it rolled backwards and broke a window. "Why would you even CONSIDER that?!"

"It could happen." McGee smiled awkwardly.

"GET OUT!" Possible's face twisted demonically as she lunged towards him.

McGee came dashing out of the room; much like Punchy did, only with a typewriter sailing after him.

"NEXT!"

* * *

The Boss sat with his arms crossed in obvious annoyance. He still had his sunglasses on and held a new toothpick between his teeth.

"Frank Rizzo AKA Joe Swanson AKA Brock Samson AKA The Boss?!" The lawyer gawked at him and snorted. "Why do you have so many aliases?"

"After I got tossed out of the Marines, I had a lot of enemies." Boss plucked the pick from his mouth and dropped it on the desk.

"Why, exactly, did you get kicked out?" Possible brushed the moist splinter away with disgust.

"My commanding officer threw grenades like a girl and I can't have that in a mans army." The big guy propped his feet up and put his hands behind his head. "So I stuffed him in a duffel bag and chucked him in a river."

"According to THIS, you've caused more property damage behind the wheel of a car than the entire state of Delaware!" The woman was quickly growing tired of the Boss' attitude. "How do you explain that?!"

"It's the nature of the beast, sweet cheeks, you want excuses or results?" Boss left his seat and leaned forward until his nose was nearly touching the lawyers. "You wanna let me get back to my JOB?!"

"Your fellow officers have informed me that you have major ANGER issues!" Kim stared the gorilla right in the eye.

"WHO told you that!!" The ex-marine jumped up and started crushing his chair with his bare hands. "When I find the guy, I'll BREAK his NECK!!"

"Alright, that's IT!" Possible crumbled her fax sheet into a ball and tossed it out the window. "I have more than enough info to complete my report, so take your partners and GET OUT OF HERE!"

The Boss strolled out of the room with an arrogant swagger and adjusted his collar.

"Alright, boys, I think I handled that pretty well."

* * *

"So, Miss Possible, finished with your investigation?" Chief Betty sat with her hands folded on top of her desk. "I take it you've come to a conclusion?"

"Yes." Kim answered flatly. "Those MEN are the WORST excuses for policemen I've EVER SEEN!"

"Surely you must be exaggerating?" Betty smiled innocently and tried to remain calm.

"Absolutely NOT!" Possible squeezed her briefcase between her hands like a vise. "After I submit my report, Department Six will be disbanded and all three officers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!"

Director dropped her jaw in dismay. "Now, there's more to this situation than you might realize."

"Like WHAT?!" The redhead shot a suspicious glance at the Chief.

"Well…" Betty hesitated; the impending statement wasn't really a 'safe' one.

"We are no longer qualified to function as police in this department." Lieutenant Will Du appeared out of nowhere, hands behind his back and looking morose.

"What exactly does that mean?" Kim stared at the tanned constable with doubt.

"Department Six has the local criminal element so frightened, that we no longer need to perform our everyday duties." Will remained emotionless, despite his startling confession.

"It's true…" Betty Director frowned with the admission. "We show up, play ping-pong, drink coffee, maybe take a nap and then call it a day."

"If Department Six were to disband, the level of crime in Middleton would double, maybe TRIPLE overnight." Du rubbed his nose and opened one eye to look at the lawyer.

"I don't BELIEVE what I'm hearing!" Kim's arms fell to the sides of her chair. "The ENTIRE department has been slacking off because of those lunatics?!"

"So you see, Miss Possible, submitting that report would be a disaster for the entire town." Betty tried her best to sound convincing.

"I've heard enough!" The lawyer snapped both the arms off her chair with rage. "I'll see to it that the Middleton Police Department is given a complete OVERHAUL!"

"You won't reconsider?" Director made one last attempt to plead for leniency.

Kim leered at the woman like her head was on fire. "NO!!"

"Very well…" Betty closed her eye and exhaled deeply. "Officer Will, you may proceed."

"Yes, ma'am." The tanned youth fired a dart from a small, pistol-like device, burying it in Kim's neck.

"What ARE you…?" Kim's eyes rolled back in her head and she slumped over, unconscious.

"I gave her a chance." The Chief shrugged at Will.

"If I had a quarter for every time I've done this…" Will Du grabbed the redhead under her arms and began dragging her away.

* * *

The room spun as the assistant to the District Attorney slowly regained consciousness. As the blurry surroundings came into view, Kim recognized the cheap wallpaper and tacky drapes of her hotel room. Lying on the bed, she was surrounded by baggies of what appeared to be pills and other narcotics. Her suit had been removed and replaced with a leather cat suit. In her hand was the end of a chain leash, which ran along the bed and ended on the floor, around the neck of a boy scout. The lad had been bound and gagged, forcing him to twitch and mumble as he tried to wriggle free.

"What the…?!" The lawyer barely had a chance to finish her thought before the door crashed inward and a pack of photographers stormed the room.

"Where are the bodies?"

"Did you deal exclusively with the Columbians?"

"Where's Waldo?!"

Possible leapt to her feet in complete shock.

"I don't even know what's going on here!!" The redhead dropped the leash and grabbed one of her suitcases.

"She's sky high on crack, what a story!" The paparazzi chased her to the bathroom, where she slammed the door and locked it from the inside.

"I can't believe this is happening!!" Quickly changing her clothes to something less… conspicuous, Kim shimmed out a small window.

Leaping to a balcony just below her room, she indiscreetly made her way to the stairs and hurried to the street.

Concealed in sweat pants and a cotton hoodie, the disgraced attorney slipped into the diner across the street to dodge the vultures.

"Lousy, rotten, corrupt cops…" Possible hid in a corner booth and sipped angrily on a cup of de-caf. "Now what am I gonna do?"

Peering absently out the restaurant window, she spotted a familiar group of idiots standing around a parking meter. Gritting her teeth in rage, she dashed out the door and grabbed the nearest man by the neck.

"Do you have any idea what you've DONE?!" Kim squeezed Punchy still he started turning blue.

"Sweety, I wondered what happened to you." The Boss elbowed the meter, causing the digital readout to show thirty minutes instead of zero.

"Who are you supposed to be, the Unibomber?" McGee rubbed his shirt on a pair of yellow shooter's glasses.

"You MORONS cost me my CAREER!" Possible began shaking the freckled cop back and forth.

"Gggg… ack… erg..." Punchy was rapidly turning various colors, as his airway was almost completely blocked off.

"That ol' trick again?" Boss removed the toothpick from his mouth. "We had nuthin' to do with it. That was all the Chief's doing."

"It doesn't matter!" Possible released Kickbutt, allowing him to drop to the concrete like a wet sack. "You started all this!"

"Bein' a desk jockey isn't real police work anyway." Boss flicked his pick, striking a random passerby in the eye. "Why don't you just join Department Six, we could use somebody like you on the team."

"Yeah…" Punchy gasped for air and slowly regained his normal pigmentation. "Your grip is buff, yet soft and silky."

"Join you?!" Kim simply gaped at them in horror. "You've got to be JOKING!!"

Suddenly, from a nearby corner, a rampant newsman popped his head around and spotted the lawyer.

"It's HER!" He motioned behind him. "The kidnapping, drug-addled lawyer!"

A stampede of journalistic parasites swarmed the street and rushed the redhead, shouting a cacophony of horrendous questions.

"Did you have sex with Castro?"

"How is Satan these days?"

"What's it like being a fine, young cannibal?"

Possible pulled her hood over her face and winced.

"Not now!"

The redhead was jerked off her feet and chucked into the backseat of the Mustang. The Boss floored the accelerator and left the vermin behind in a cloud of exhaust.

"What are you DOING?" Kim peered over the front seat and stared at the giant.

"Rescuing a civilian, it's what we do." The Boss cut across a parking lot and ran over several shopping carts.

"You could at least say, 'Thank You'." Punchy wiggled his eyebrows at the woman seated next to him.

McGee switched on the radio as he fingered the barrel of his .45.

"…_A vicious standoff has ensued between the Middleton Police Department and a supposed terrorist who is presumably holding the Mayor hostage. The assailant has yet to state his demands, but police have assured us that he is both blue and completely insane…"_

"Booyah, time for some ACTION!" Kickbutt threw a few mock kung-fu punches.

"It's about time!" Bullets pulled a pair of Lugers from under the seat.

"Could you guys, maybe, drop me off…?" Possible became agitated at the change of mood in the car.

"No way, baby-cakes, it's CLOBBERIN' TIME!" The Boss hammered the gas and tore through a redlight, forcing several cars and an ambulance off the road.

"Oh Gawd, NO!!" Possible pressed her hands and face against the back window, pleading for escape.

* * *

Drew Lipski AKA Doctor Drakken stood rubbing his hands with glee. The Mayor sat nearby, tied up along with his bodyguards and accountant.

"Once the city gives in to my demands, I, Doctor Drakken will have my revenge!" The blue-faced weirdo giggled psychotically. "Bring the Kill-a-majig!"

A pair of young, sexy ladies in burgundy minion uniforms kicked open the doors to the Mayor's office carrying a heavy, complex device that looked like a cross between a blender and the Stanley Cup.

"This thing is killing my back!" The tanned brunette wearing a permanent scowl grunted in annoyance.

"Dr. Dokken…" The innocent looking blond who was also struggling to carry the explosive device looked to the nut with concern. "Isn't this thing… well, dangerous?"

"Of course not, dear, we'll be long gone by the time it goes off." Drakken smiled and patted her on the head.

"Uh, that's not what I meant…" Tara absent-mindedly released her end of the load as she tried to straighten her hair.

"TARA!?" Bonnie crumpled under the weight of the bomb. "I can't make Sexy Villainess of the Year if I'm crippled!"

"Oops…" Tara smiled apologetically. "Sorry."

"Enough tomfoolery!" Drakken frowned and crossed his arms. "We need to look good for when they put us on television!"

"Finally!" Bonnie, having escaped out from under the Kill-a-majig, jabbed a finger into Drakken's chest. "You mention ANYTHING about my liposuction, dork, and it's gonna be MURDER!"

Lipski leaned back and tugged at his collar. "Yes, ma'am…"

"I'm gonna wave hello to gramma!" Tara folded her hands behind her back. "She always watches the news so she can cuss out the weather girl."

* * *

The Mustang flew through Middleton Park, destroying park benches and scattering ducks. Joggers, dog walkers, children and even the squirrels threw themselves in every direction to avoid being run over.

"Where did you learn to drive?!" Kim grasped the handle on the rear door for dear life.

"Dodging mortar fire in a jeep will teach you PLENTY about drivin', baby!" The Boss gripped the wheel like a starving man would a ham sandwich.

The Cobra burst through a hedgerow and took a sharp turn at the middle of an intersection. Motorists hurled insults and obscenities as their vehicles were sent headlong into poles and embankments. A quick right took the car off the highway and into a No-Trespassing zone.

"Uh, dude, this is a construction site!" Punchy pointed at the various signs out the window.

"It's called a SHORT CUT!" The buffed up driver roared.

Hard-hatted workers scattered as the out-of-control muscle car tore across the lot, knocking over a cement mixer and barely dodging an entire crane. Punching a hole through the site's wooden fence, the cops turned headlong into the Middleton Spring Parade.

"I forgot this was happening today!" Kim leaned out the window to shout warnings at the parade goers. "Get off the street, this maniac can't DRIVE!"

The crowd dispersed with terrified screams as the souped up car dodged around Shriners and poorly made floats. The only one who didn't jump in time was Benji the Clown, who ended up on the front windshield.

"Dude, I hate clowns!" Punchy switched on the windshield wipers and started squirting the harlequin with washer fluid.

Benji honked a horn at the occupants before being thrown from the front end and sent rolling into a pack of children. The little tykes eyed him with confusion before pelting him with rocks and garbage.

Boss yanked hard, putting the car up on two wheels. It left the road and swerved onto the sidewalk, where it barreled through sidewalk cafes and destroyed public mailboxes. Setting back to four wheels, the wrecking machine passed at least a dozen patrol cars and annihilated a police barricade.

The Ford Cobra disintegrated a decorative fountain and shot up the stairs leading to the Mayor's office.

"What are you DOING?!" Kim howled in protest.

"6.9 on the Richter Scale!" The Boss snarled as he blasted the twin front doors off their hinges.

The assembled police outside the building breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"That was close, I thought we were gonna actually have to arrest someone." A brown haired flatfoot interjected.

"I know, this isn't even a real gun!" His partner held up a painted water pistol. "I lost my real one in a card game."

* * *

"That's right; I want a fueled helicopter on the roof in half an hour!" Drakken barked into the phone as he twirled the cord around his finger.

"Get us a limo too!" Bonnie shouted into the blue man's ear. "I am NOT gonna be seen in some hunk of junk passenger car!"

"See if they'll have gummi bears waiting for us on the chopper." Tara piped in, nearly knocking the evil genius over.

"One at a time!" Drew perked his ear up and stared at the doors leading out into the hallway. "Do you hear that?"

The three sat in a moment of awkward silence, as the sound of crashing and a roaring engine quickly grew louder.

"I guess this means my picture on Vogue is freakin' shot down…" Bonnie frowned in defeat.

The twin portals exploded as the cherry-red, fuel injected missile plowed through them, devastating the entire room. The three kidnappers were hurled to the floor as a storm of broken furniture and exhaust fumes filled the office. The driver's side door popped open and the towering form of The Boss stepped out.

"You're all under ARREST!" The monster sneered at the crooks, who stared back as if Godzilla himself had been there.

"Booyah!" Punchy leapt from the car and eyed all of the potential targets.

"Nope." He glanced at the brunette.

"Uh uh." He winked at the blond.

"BINGO!" He set eyes on Drakken and immediately tackled him, raining down whining punches.

"Help! Get him off!" Lipski flapped his arms and squirmed helplessly. "Not in the FACE!"

"Bullets, you're up!" The Boss grabbed the Kill-a-majig off the desk and hauled it to the window. "On three!"

McGee hastily assembled a rocket launcher and rested it on his shoulder, his tongue partially exposed as he lined up the sights.

"Ready, dude!"

"An RPG!?" Kim had dragged herself from the Mustang and stared in fear at the unfolding catastrophe. "Do you know how ILLEGAL that is?!"

"One… two… THREE!" The Boss chucked the bomb out the window and dove out of the way.

McGee pulled the trigger, sending a rocket propelled grenade after the airborne incendiary. The missile missed its target and headed straight for a billboard atop a nearby building. The sign, "Middleton, what a town!" was struck and reduced to a flaming heap.

The bomb flipped end over end until landing right on top of one of the police cruisers waiting below. The assembled cops looked at one another in panic.

"Oh…" Betty dropped her arms and looked at Will.

"Poop…" Will looked back and swallowed hard.

The explosion left all the officers scorched black and their vehicles smoldering. One by one, they passed out, leaving only Director and Du to stand there looking stupid.

"It was supposed to be a fire of doom, that's what I get for trying a self-assembled bomb kit!" Drakken sat on the floor handcuffed and sporting a pair of black eyes.

The Boss hauled the blue freak to his feet and stuffed him into the car.

"You'll have plenty of time to brush up on bein' a scumbag in prison, weirdo!" The big man scowled at the bludgeoned felon.

"Wait, what about my loyal henchmen?!" Drakken stuck his head out the window and called to his partners in crime.

Bonnie and Tara were too busy making out with Punchy and McGee to look back.

"As if, dork, I'm not goin' to prison!" Bon-bon smirked at Drew. "Those state issued jumpsuits are almost as bad as these TRASHBAGS you make us wear!"

"Sorry, Doctor Dragstrip, but I agree with Bonnie." Tara climbed on the freckled cop's back. "Cleaning up trash along the highway is NOT an option."

Possible rushed over to the Mayor and quickly untied him.

"Your honor, I have NO IDEA how to explain all this!" The redhead looked at the official with a face full of dread.

"Well it's about time, what took you so long?" The balding man dusted himself off and approached The Boss. "You look good, Steve, how's the job been treatin' ya?"

"Not bad, Lenny." Boss lifted his shades and shook his old friend's hand. "You sure do attract the freaks around here."

"Wait…" Kim glanced back and forth between the two men. "You two KNOW each other?!"

"Hey, aren't you that drug dealing lawyer I saw on the news?" The Mayor gave Possible the evil eye.

"Uh… I…" Kim swallowed hard and stammered.

"Nah, she's the newest member of Department Six!" The Boss squeezed her under his arm and looked her in the eye. "Right?"

"Oh Gawd…" The redhead looked away in exasperation. "What did I do to deserve THIS?!"

Drakken leaned out of the car and whispered to Possible. "I'll trade you places…"

"I'm seriously considering it." Possible slumped and bit her lip.

* * *

A press conference was called after an extensive clean up was arranged. The mayor presented the members of Department Six with Medals of Valor and Drakken was sentenced to life with a possibility of parole in six months(?). The three cops and their reluctant tag along celebrated at Cheezy Charlie's.

The four of them sat in a booth in the back corner as small children chased animatronic band members all over the restaurant.

"So we need a name for you, Kim, sumthin' snazzy." Punchy rubbed his chin in thought.

"How 'bout Busty LaRue?" Bullets sat his gun on the table and stuffed his face with pizza.

"How about NOT!" Kim sat with a look of extreme disgust on her face. "I haven't agreed to ANYTHING yet!"

"It's either join the team or go back to the DA's office a laughing stock." Boss threw back a beer and glowered at the attorney.

"That's like having to choose between being water boarded or the iron maiden!" Possible narrowed her eyes at everyone.

"Between surfing and a metal band?" Punchy stared stupidly at the redhead.

"Forget IT!" Kim began banging her head against the table.

"How about Sexy Fatale?" Punchy smiled encouragingly.

"NO!"

"Lovey Valentine?"

"You say one more WORD and your next suggestion will be muffled by your own butt!"

"Missy Mounds?"

"AAARRGGHHH!!"

* * *

The End… Maybe…?


End file.
